Slim Jim
by two authors
Summary: One Shot Drabble The boys need a science fair project, and Judaism is the first thing on Cartman's mind. Racism ensues.


**(A/N: So Alex is back again, with a sweet little drabble set in South Park, Colorado. My friends prompted me to post it, because they thought it was funny.**

**Disclaimer: Trey and Matt own South Park and part of Canada. Not me. Also, I don't hate Jews. Cartman does. **

**If you find an over-abundance of curse words and Jew-bashing offensive, turn back now.)**

"… So, then I told 'er, "'EY! That's ENOUGH of your bitchin'! Now make me a goddamn sammich!'"

"You're such an asshole, Cartman!" Kyle shouted at his hefty familiar as the four boys walked home from the bus stop.

"At least I HAVE an asshole left, you butt-fuck lovin' Jew," Cartman snapped. Kenny laughed at the blatant gay joke.

"Guys, c'mon, we gotta think," Stan interjected, annoyed by the lack of focus. "We still need an idea for the science fair!"

"Mm-hmm mm mm-mhm mm-m-Mm Hm?" Kenny suggested.

"No, EVERYONE does that gay volcano model," affirmed the boy in the red poof-ball hat.

There was silence among them as they walked until Cartman was struck by the Muse.

"I know one! We rent out a laboratory and do a bunch of grueling tests on Kyle to try and figure out why Jews die when they eat pork."

"God damnit, Cartman!"

"Whaaat?" The red-jacketed boy inquired. "I just assumed you didn't eat it because Jesus cursed all Jews forever so they could never enjoy the crispy goodness that is bacon."

Kyle stopped short and glared at Cartman, stopping the entire group.

"Jesus didn't curse anybody, Cartman!"

"Yes, he did! It's the same thing that Montezuma did! Whites killed off his Mexican people, so Montezuma cursed white people so they get sick after eating or drinking anything Mexican!" Cartman made his point.

"Listen, fat-ass! I don't eat pork because it's part of my religion, alright?!"

"Ohhhh, so Christ DID curse you Jewish bastards," Cartman confirmed for himself as he rubbed his chin.

"FUCK you, Cartman!!" Kyle yelled over Kenny's incessant giggling. Stan frowned and tried to end the chaos.

"You guys, we don't have any time for this-!"

"Although," Cartman interrupted, "I'm surprised that Jews really can't eat pork."

"Hmm-mm?" Kenny asked, wonder why Cartman was confused about it.

"Well, if that's true, then how in the world did Kyle's mom get to be a big, fat, bitchy Ms. Piggy??"

Kenny and Cartman laughed together while Kyle fumed, his cheeks turning bright crimson.

"Don't call my mom a Bitch, Cartman!!" He screamed in his fury.

Cartman stopped laughing suddenly. A look of revelation cam over his face. He turned and looked Kyle right in the eyes.

"You know what, Kyle? You… You're right. I'm sorry," he confessed, shocking and silencing the other three.

"… What did he say?" Stan sputtered. Kyle's jaw nearly hit the pavement he stood on.

"I said that I was sorry," Cartman said again, sounding absolutely remorseful and pathetic as he fished something out of his pocket. "I don't mean to call your sweet mother those awful things."

"Y-…You're shitting me, right?" Kyle tried to reason. "You're just being sarcastic, aren't you?"

"No, no, I'm totally serious! Here, Kyle…" Cartman drew his hand from his jacket pocket, and offered Kyle a long piece of jerky wrapped in plastic. "Take this Slim Jim as a token of my sincere apology."

The fat boy mustered a smile that could make the polar ice caps melt (and thus bring about the end of the world, but that's not the point). Kyle, who was half brain-damaged from the lack of logical sense this entire scenario was making, took the Slim Jim and started to unwrap it, his eyes fixed on the apparently converted Eric Cartman.

Cartman simply clasped his hands behind his back and spoke.

"I never really meant all those insults I've been saying over the years. The truth is, Kyle, I've just been jealous of you and your exceptional intelligence."

Kyle nodded half-wittingly, staring at Cartman. This turn of events was completely out of the ordinary, and it made the red-head nervous. Food. Some food would calm him down, he thought.

He bit off an end of the Slim Jim and chewed. It tasted sort of different from other jerky he had tried before, but that thought fled as Cartman kept talking.

"You're my best friend, Kyle. I hope you realize that," Eric Cartman confessed in the most heart-wrenchingly sincere voice he had ever been heard in. Kyle was moved (but only slightly) and swallowed the bite of dried meat to speak.

"Wow, Cartman… I never knew you were-"

"AHAHAHAHAH!!" Cartman suddenly exploded with obnoxious laughter, surprising Kyle enough to make him drop the remainder of the Slim Jim. He was instantly on his guard again.

"What's so funny?!" Kyle demanded. But Cartman couldn't answer as he rolled on the ground, laughing his fat ass off. Kyle was slightly freaked out, fearing an attempt on his life.

"Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??"

"Oh, shit, dude," Stan stated as he picked up the Slim Jim wrapper and read the label.

"What?"

"It's pork jerky, Kyle," Stan confirmed.

Kyle's face twisted into a look of utter horror as Cartman laughed harder.

"AHAHAHAHA!! You stupid fuckin' Jew!! Oh, man, that long-ass set up was SO worth it!!"

Kyle started to get jumpy and looked around for a quick solution to his taboo.

"Oh my God!! Kenny!! Quick, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can!!"

"Mm?" Kenny blinked and looked confused, but Kyle was hysterical.

"GODDAMNIT, KENNY!! Do it!!" The enraged Jew screamed.

"MM-Mmy!" He socked Kyle right in the gut, which caused Kyle to projectile-vomit the pork jerky.

Which flew directly into Kenny's eyes.

Which caused him to run blindly around as he screamed.

Which led him into the road off the curb where he was picked up by a riding lawn mower and torn asunder in a blur of whirring razors and blood.

By this time, Cartman had calmed and Kyle had almost caught his breath.

"Oh my God! He killed Kenny!!" Stan exclaimed as he pointed after the low-speed vehicle.

"You BASTARD!!" Kyle predictably shouted, but not towards the offending lawn mower. He stomped towards Cartman with murderous intent, but he was halted when Cartman shouted, "AHA! I KNEW it!!"

"Knew what, Fat-ass?!"

"You KNEW that eating pork would kill you, so you chucked it out of your system! Jesus DID curse the Jews, and you just proved it, you son of a bitch!!"

**-End-**


End file.
